How Do You Grieve For Your Loved One Who Is Gone, But Is Still Here 😕???
I want my Mommy, I want my Mommy, I want my Mommyyyyy...!!!
That is the silent scream deep within that begs to be released, late at night. Late, when all is quiet; late, when the distractions of the day have taken a break, and I am forced to contend with an awful reality - my Mama is gone.
The most painful irony, is that my Mama still lives, at least the body that housed her, still lives. However, her very essence, her very being, is gone, stolen from us by that dastardly disease, Alzheimer's. Oh how I hate Alzheimer's!!! I, so very much, hate Alzheimer's, from the depths of my soul. I hate it, Dementia, and all their relatives.
My Mama is one of the strongest women I know. Her life story is one for another time, but of all the things she was, being Mama Bear definitely was top of her list. While cuddly she was not😊, she loved us, her children, fiercely, and she went to great lengths to do her very best for us. All she did for us, is story #2 for another day.
My Mama appeared very reserved on the outside; she was serious about decorum and appropriate behavior (a friend and I called her Ms. Appropriate 🙂). However, messing with her children was sure to raise the Mama Bear in her - it was a sight to behold. "I pitied the fool," 😉.
She worked hard, tried hard, and prayed hard - boy, did she pray hard. I remember rushing out in the mornings to get to work, not having had my morning devotions, and yet being confident in the knowledge that I was covered by my Mama's prayers, ALWAYS. Oh how I wish that I had been able to save the prayers somehow...
About six years ago, when we began to suspect that something was wrong, nothing could have prepared us for how much that "uncircumcised-Philistine" (see 1 Samuel 17:26 for my loose reference) of a disease would take from us. Since then, I have had to watch this unholy disease turn this once strong, independent, health-conscious, faithful, and faith-filled woman into someone who has to rely on others for care; and we have all had to go on a journey, I would not wish on my worst enemy, I mean the very worst.
My Mama doesn't know who I am anymore, and that cuts deep. 😕😕😕
My Mama is a fighter, so she hangs on, regardless of the blows she is dealt. Many things have changed, and not in a good way, but one thing that has not, is that my Mama continues to refer to GOD's grace when we talk. Even this heavy darkness cannot block GOD's light. HALLELUJAH!
I will not pretend I understand it all, and I sure have not accepted it At.All. I am just stuck in this place of limbo, missing my Mama something awful, and yet not able to fully grieve (my use of the
mixed tenses is a reflection of my confused state). So I hang on, as she does...
My Mama is gone, and I just do not know what to do...